15 Easy Steps That Saved Me From Despair (& Orgones)

I've struggled with my weight and my looks for years - I was always the fat ugly one with thrush no one wanted to ask to the prom or even sit next to on the bus - If I'd been a hooker I'd have starved to death a long time ago! But thats all changed now as you can see below with my before and after pics. So how did I change my life and my looks in just 3 weeks and get to be the superficial superslut I am now? Read on and I'll reveal the secrets that I discovered online that helped me stop being a total waster!

As you can see, I used to be a totally useless slob, just like you - from as early age as I can remember I just loved sitting on the couch stuffing fatty crappy foods into my eager mouth, often until I physically couldn't move! I lived my life according to two basic rules - gluttony and greed! I never exercised (I still don't), and barely took a shower more than once a year - if it wasn't moving, I ate it! Sometimes even while stuff was still moving, I'd eat that too if I was hungry.

The good news is its easy for YOU to do what I've done - get slim, become beautiful and be the perfect woman, the one every guy dreams about who behaves like a porn star, cooks, cleans, vacuums - but doesn't have the neural capacity to talk back! My kids are just so proud of me - if only their daddy Dwayne could see me now, he wouldn't call me fat OR useless any more!

Using only products I found online, I've lost 300 Lbs in just 3 weeks without doing ANY exercise and without eating ANY special fancy diet foods!

There's just no excuse any longer for being a fat ugly skanky slob like I used to be! Lets get started - I'll reveal my 15-step plan that really helped me to start looking my best, stop being a lazy fat slob and become a REAL useful woman who looks good and can cook and give great blowjobs!

Step 1 - Lose Weight

I lost weight - a LOT of weight. I was a total whale, I weighed like 400 lbs from all the Macdonalds and pizza's I used to eat cos I was unhappy with my weight. Then I found Acai on some womans blog, and then again on some news site. I didn't have to go to the gym or DO anything, except take one Acai pill in the mornings and the weight just fell off me! It was like magic. Just one pill a day and I was losing like 14 lbs a DAY while I carried on eating pizza and chips on the couch watching Oprah. Acai really helped me to:

  • Gain so much energy I could actually make it to the bathroom EVERY time!
  • My hair improved and started to even grow back in some patches
  • My scabies cleared up (really important step)
  • Get my house foreclosed, due to the size of the monthly charges on my credit card for acai, the colon cleanser and resV. (Meant I couldn't afford to eat, which really helped with the weightloss).

In total I've now lost 300 lbs in just 3 weeks and I look great! The doctor says I'm bulimic now, but I think I look just great. Click here to get the same acai that helped me lose so much weight, doesn't cost much.

Step 2 - Learn to cook, life starts in the kitchen!

Step 2 is really important - I bought a cookbook and some kitchen utensils and actually learned how to cook myself stuff like hotdogs, pizza and even burgers! They taste so good, and now I don't have to leave the house to go to the drive thru any more! I now love being in the kitchen so much I had my neighbours kids move my couch and TV in there so I can watch chat shows while I pig out on delicious home made heart-disease-on-a-bun!

Learning to cook like all women should has given me so much self esteem, and I now feel I have a purpose in life! Get yourself some cookbooks and some saucepans and shit for your kitchen to feel like a real woman like me!

Step 3 - Color my Vagina

As I started to lose weight, I noticed the color of my beaver was not really all that attractive. So, I searched around online and found a great vagina color dye! It's worked wonders, and I'm now perfectly virginal pink down there like every lady should be. My self esteem was through the roof after this one, and I couldn't help but show everyone I met when I went shopping to Walmart, and later at the police station.

Click here to get your vag dye and get it all nice and pink like I did. You'll feel great and want to show everyone!

Step 4 - Got a colon cleanse

After I got my acai, I read on some womans blog that I should be using a colon cleanser to double the effects. Still being about 200 lbs overweight I thought shit, I better do this, so I signed up. Its expensive, like the acai but hey, nothing comes for free right? No pain no gain! The colon cleanser has really helped me a lot, I feel way less bloated and I fart a lot less, which my neighbours and kids really appreciate!

This, combined with the acai and resV I've also been taking at the same time has made me crap off more weight than most people can imagine - so it really works! I even had to move the TV into the bathroom at one point cos I was in there so long. I had no idea such nasty things live inside you, but after the cleanser pills everyone in my trailer park sure did, cos one of my kids took pictures. Doctor said I had dysentry and parasites.

Click here to get your supply of colon cleanser pills just like I did, you'll shit like a champ as you watch the weight fall off all while you sit on your ass!

Step 5 - Stop the nasty female odours

What with my fungal infection and the fact I never took a shower cos of my weight, I had some pretty stinky issues 'downstairs' in my lady regions that needed sorting out! Even my kids told me I stank, and that was the last straw - it was time for action! From the comfort of my couch as usual, I found a product online that would allow me to pop a few capsules into my mouth and magically my vag stopped smelling like a beaver that'd been dead for 4 months!

Check out what worked for me, don't suffer with the same odours I did for so long!

Step 6 - Ward off evil spirits and orgones

Next important step (they're all important) in changing my life was to get some crystals to keep evil spirits away! I've been sure for YEARS that someone was psychically cursing me and that was stopping me from losing the weight I needed - turn out it was both a psychic curse and Orgones - evil psychic creatures that make you fat - that were halting my progress! Thanks to finding some magical crystals that I was able to pick up for only a few hundred bucks, that all changed - my life is now Orgone free!

Check out this and keep the nasty things away, they'll stop you from getting thin otherwise!

Step 7 - Got plastic surgery

Now this one REALLY helped me - I took out a payday loan (well 5 actually, they gave me a discounted interest rate of 35%/week for quantity), and travelled on the bus to a plastic surgeon. Really nice indian guy. I told him I wanted to look good, I think he must have been tired cos he fainted and the medics had to give him oxygen. Anyway when he recovered and got off the phone booking his vacation to Bali he told me it'd cost me, but he could do it. A week of surgery later, look at me now!

I've had my face done, my lips, my boobs, my butt - I'm a new woman, literally! I'm now easily as superficial as any girl in my town, and probably a bigger bitch due to all the bullying I had as a fat ugly girl! Get yourself a payday loan now from these sharks guys, they're the best, and really sympathetic to the mentally challenged.

Step 8 - Got my teeth whitened

The same blog I found the acai and colon cleanser products that helped me so much also talked about a teeth whitening kit, so I went back and got one of them as well. This tooth whitening thing is a little pen - its so effective there was even news articles about it online! It was supposed to only cost me $2, but I guess there must've been a typo or something, cos when I looked at my credit card statement they'd charged me like $400 for the thing. I tried phoning them and a nice lady told me they'll credit me back $8 for the mistake so I said that was fine. Seems like a good deal.

But who cares anyway, it works like a miracle and going to a dentist for the same treatment would've meant heaving my fat ass off the couch. Get a teeth whitener now and save yourself the trouble of driving to the dentist.

Step 9 - Got perfectly shaped camel toe

This hadn't really been a problem for me, being so fat and wearing clothes that were too tight and all, but I thought it'd be better to have a properly styled and shaped camel toe of my own. All the celebs on TV like Oprah seemed to have real nice shaped camel toes so I thought 'why not me too!'.

Check out the wonderful product that helped me get such an amazingly protrudent but perfectly shaped and inviting camel toe!

Step 10 - Tightened up "down there"

Everyone knows the perfect woman is a virgin who cooks well, right? So the next wonder-product I found to help change my life was a cream that helped a LOT - I just rub it in, and hey presto - instant virgin again! I found after getting this cream I could charge a few bucks more so it paid for itself in weeks.

See for yourself the wonderful tightening cream that helped me seem so tight I couldn't even pee!

Step 11 - Learned how to give blowjobs properly

I realised that to be the perfect woman I was going to have to learn how to give a good blowjob if I was going to get anywhere! You need to realise the power of this skill too. I found a really good book on how to do it right, and spent hours practising on hotdog weiners - it was fun, I got to practise my technique and have a little snack at the same time! Check out the oral sex ebook here. I always made sure to pop an acai pill right after, just to keep the fat from the hotdog off my hips as well.

Step 12 - Remove my excess bodily hair

I've always had a body hair problem, right from when I hit my teens. Stuff just started sprouting on my chest, legs, arms and back. It was terrible, and it was the final step on my path to being the perfect woman to stop this ruining my life any more. Now I look great, I can't have my back covered in thick black hair any more! You're only supposed to use it on your face but I got a couple of the kids to spread it all over my back and shoulders as well, seems to have done the trick, the dog almost choked on all the hair that came off!

So, I found this great hair removal cream. Stinks bad, and stings like hell when I use it, but it works! Oprah uses it so it must be good!

Step 13 - Took a boatload of ResV

Now call me crazy, but along with the Acai, Cleanser and tooth whitening kit I also got an order of ResV pills - these, combined with the acai and colon cleanser, mean I lose at least 20% of my bodyweight EVERY time I go to the bathroom! This REALLY helps when you're trying to lose weight - no matter how little I moved my fat ass around the couch, and no matter how many supersized bigmac meals I ate every day, I couldn't retain weight! Awesome! :-)

Click here to get your ResV now, just like I did - but you need to combine it with the acai and the colon cleanser for it to work. They've also got a typo on their website - they forgot to add on a couple 0's to the price when I bought mine, so they charged me a few days later. I was "shocked" when I noticed the charges on my credit card, but hey - it's worth it for the weight I've lost!

Step 14 - Took up a career in porn

This has been really crucial to my overall success in changing my life and becoming the perfect woman that guys actually want to spend time with. It's also allowed me to earn a few bucks - enough to pay for the acai, colon cleanser, resV and tooth whitening rebills anyway.

I'd always been hesitant before about doing porno shoots, what with me being a stinking great 400 lb whale and all. But now I'm slim and beautiful, I feel like a million dollars - the porno career has just fulfilled me so much and enabled me to finally become the useful, perfect woman I always knew I could be.

Step 15 - Got a government grant

The BEST part of my story though is that I was able to change my life and transform myself into the beautiful girl you see today, all thanks to YOU the taxpayer! Thats right! ALL my surgery and pills were paid for with a government grant! I found this website, Grants360 and got a kit that explained exactly how to con the government into giving me money to make myself look great!

The grant writing kit cost me like $300 but just look what I've got out of it! I got $48,000 from the government which was enough to pay for ALL my surgery bills and everything that helped me, as well as take a vacation and rent an apartment in a real nice neighbourhood! Don't delay! Get your Grant Writing kit today and start changing your life like I've changed mine!

So now, at the end of my journey...its taken me 3 weeks and thousands of dollars in surgeries, cooking lessons and acai and cleansers, but I have become what I wanted - the perfect woman. I look great, I'm slim, and I can cook. Oh, and my vag is tight, smells better than ever and has an amazing color to it. Here's my before and after again, to inspire you to do what I've done:

Don't delay - get that fat heaving ass off that couch, struggle over to your computer and get ordering all the same shit I did that'll help YOU to become the perfect woman that guys want, just like I have. You won't look back! Its goodbye 400 lb yeti and hello beautiful perfect woman!

Yours in success, womanly and vaginal perfection,

Amy -x-

Posted by Amy on March 2, 2010